chapter 9 page 3

posted December 3rd, 2015, 8:20 am


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November 27th, 2015, 8:21 am

dunklen

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oh lookie, an ayla discussing :P

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December 14th, 2017, 8:55 am

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November 5th, 2017, 3:10 pm

D (Guest)

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Huuuuf, binge reading finally done.
Your art started as... not very good, but has been getting better at a steady rate. It's clear by comparing color and black and white pages, that either you put much more work in color pages (beside obvious), or struggle with some parts belonging only to black and white.
I don't know if I just missed it, or there was none, but a warning about reverse reading order would be nice. Since your early pages looks nothing like a manga, and had much worse pacing and writing, it's easy to get confused about what's happening.
Speaking of writing, I think this is a part that progressed the least of all, raising a lot of "?", and not in a good way. I should also mention that it's clear that English isn't your first language, but even that isn't an excuse for missing words. I advise asking someone to proofread, if possible. Sometimes dialogue was confusing too, but I thing it's at least partly due to writing.
Finally, it's time for characters:
Ayla might have some tragic past, or somethig, but she is still a major pain in the @ss. She's irrational to the point of suicidial, stupid, angry, unforgiving, and I don't think she has any sort of redeeming quality to herself. If not for Kokei she would be dead before chapter 1.
Kokei is a saint just by not ending Alya's life himself, after the load of bull he takes from her. Which is, in my opinion unhealty for both of them. It's obvious that he is the brains of the duo, sadly, he isn't the one in control.
Others: Yes, I'm putting all other characters together, mostly because we hardly kow anything about them beside their relative power levels and a few quirks. Even their motivations are a big "?". While having a mystery is a good thing, especially in comparison to text-walling, when you can't tell why character does what (s)he does, that bad writing.
I know that this is on 2 years long hiatus now (and that's usually a forever one on web), but if there is a chance that you still read comments, I hope my critique will be of help to you.

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November 12th, 2017, 8:14 pm

dunklen

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@D: O_O
Never thought this would get comments after 2 years.
I thank you for taking the time reading this horrible silly story.
As you say, the writing on this was very poor and pacing is terrible, one of the reasons that it went on hiatus was a lot of unfixable plotholes and severe burnout.

About the warning.
There was the warning about this comic was read right to left but it was deleted when i enter on hiatus because i assumed no one would read this again.

About Ayla.
You know, you're the very first person to actually dislike Ayla XD
It's kinda a breath of fresh air! hahaha! Yeah, she has a lot of bad stuff, in more of her backstory, when she was younger, she rampaged all over the village after one incident and almost killed her adoptive father.

About Kokei:
Yeah, he has the patience of a saint (Because i have met people with that godly ammount of patience) There was suppossed to be an arc where it shown he's conflicted because he resented her but also love as her little sister.

About motivations.
Since this is a unfinished work, that is a little unfair considering they only made one appearance kinda like introduction and that's it, also giving their motivations right away is also bad writing, no person is 100% open book but because some of them were very criptic, it's a valid argument.

Now since i don't think i will keep updating this comic (It's terrible, i know of it, now that i look at it and have been writing other comic and reading stuff) i think i should say something about them.

Silax and Mirk are just soldiers of the empire but they are Yuzcazis using a shapeshifting spell on them, they're working together with Koi who has a secret agenda, that's why Koi lets them go on chapter 2.

Karabusha has a grudge against Ayla because he lost his master because of her.

Icecream is your friendly neighborhood android that always save then at the last posible moment because of a promise with their father.

The big bear just wanted to eat them because Ayla insulted his child XD

The robed man that caused all that destruction in that ruins just likes to cause trouble, he's like the advisor of the kingdom but mischievous, crazy and lazy, that's why he didn't capture them.

The white haired one which is name was Dunklen was a person that hates all the Yuzcazi the same(That's why he treated Ayla like a thing, freak, etc) And it seems to have a connection to the Vansenhower.

About missing words.
Err....it is true that english is not my native language but it's not because of that i missed words, it also happens in my native language, my mind works faster than i type so i think i already wrote that word when instead i didn't XD

But yes, i'll try to ask someone that favor.

Anyways, again i thank you very much for reading this story and leaving this critique, it has reaffirmed my decision of leaving this story for good and concentrate in other ones.

PS: Sorry for the wall of text ^^;

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